Difficult Conversations: Giving feedback

Many of us find it difficult to give feedback, especially when we have had negative experiences in the past. There are several reasons why you might feel hesitant to give feedback, such as:

You may worry that you are the only one who feels this way and that your feedback won’t be well-received.

You may fear that raising the topic of feedback will lead to an argument, and that the timing may not be right for such a discussion.

You may be concerned that your honest feedback could hurt someone’s feelings, and that this may make the situation worse.

Despite these challenges, giving and receiving feedback is an important part of personal and professional growth. Even as a CTO, we’re not perfect and it allows us to learn from our mistakes and to improve our relationships with others. With practice, you can develop the skills needed to give feedback in a way that is constructive and beneficial for everyone involved.

Before sharing feedback, it’s important to ask yourself some questions. First, consider whether the feedback is intended to be genuinely helpful to the other person or group, or if you’re just trying to shift the problem onto them. Is it intended for their benefit?

It’s also important to frame feedback in a positive way, focusing on actionable steps for improvement rather than just negative criticism. Each piece of feedback should be specific and address a particular behavior.

When giving feedback, it’s crucial to avoid demeaning the person and instead focus on specific behaviors. Avoid generalizations and stereotypes, and keep the feedback focused on a particular behavior.

The SBI (Situation-Behavior-Impact) model of feedback is a structured approach to giving feedback that helps ensure that the feedback is specific, actionable, and easy to understand. This model involves three key components:

Situation - The first step in the SBI model is to describe the specific situation in which the behavior or action occurred. This helps provide context for the feedback and ensures that the feedback is relevant and applicable to the situation.

Behavior - The second step is to describe the behavior or action that was observed. This should be a specific and objective description of the behavior, rather than a judgment or evaluation. By focusing on the behavior rather than the person, the feedback is more likely to be received in a constructive and non-threatening way.

Impact - The third and final step is to describe the impact that the behavior or action had on others. This helps the recipient understand the consequences of their behavior and why it is important to address it. By describing the impact in concrete terms, the feedback is more likely to be actionable and lead to meaningful change.

By using the SBI model of feedback, you can provide specific and actionable feedback that focuses on behaviors and their impact, rather than judgments or evaluations of the person. This helps ensure that the feedback is well-received and leads to positive change.

What if the Other Person Takes it Personal?

When giving feedback, it is important to recognize that people can have different emotional reactions to it. Someone might feel hurt, defensive or angry when they receive feedback, even when it is well-intentioned. If the other person takes the feedback personally, it’s important to remain calm and empathetic.

Start by acknowledging their feelings and showing that you understand their point of view. You can say something like, “I understand that receiving feedback can be difficult and that it might be hard to hear. I appreciate your willingness to listen and your openness to grow.” Your aim is to help them feel heard, validated and respected.

Next, reassure them that the feedback is not a personal attack, but rather an opportunity for growth and development. Emphasize that your goal is to help them improve, and that the feedback is intended to be helpful, not hurtful. You can say something like, “I want to be clear that my intention is to help you grow and develop. I’m not criticizing you as a person, but rather offering suggestions for how you can improve in your role.”

Encourage them to take some time to reflect on the feedback and ask for their input on how they would like to proceed. This shows that you value their perspective and input, and that you are committed to working with them to find a constructive path forward. You can say something like, “I understand that this feedback might be a lot to take in. Can we take some time to reflect on it and discuss how we can move forward together?”

Offer to work with them to develop a plan for improvement and provide support and resources to help them achieve their goals. This shows that you are invested in their success and committed to helping them grow in their role. You can say something like, “Let’s work together to create a plan for improvement that takes into account your strengths and areas of improvement. I’m here to support you and provide any resources you need to succeed.”

Remember, the goal of feedback is to help everyone improve and grow, and by approaching the conversation with empathy and a focus on improvement, you can help your team members achieve their goals and strengthen your working relationships. Good luck!

Example Feedback Sessions

Human Error

Situation: A system engineer commits a human error and takes down the whole system for 2 hours. He accidently deleted one of the IAM profiles on AWS which was crucial for the Kubernetes clusters to be running.

You: Hi, John. Thank you for taking the time to talk with me today. I wanted to discuss the outage we experienced yesterday and get your perspective on what happened.

John: Of course, happy to discuss it.

You: My understanding is that one of the IAM profiles on AWS was deleted, which caused the Kubernetes clusters to go down for two hours. Is that correct?

John: Yes, that’s correct. I made a mistake and accidentally deleted the wrong profile.

You: I understand that mistakes happen, but an outage of that length and severity is unacceptable. Can you walk me through what you did to address the issue and prevent it from happening in the future?

John: I worked with the AWS support team to restore the profile and bring the clusters back online. In terms of preventing it from happening in the future, I plan to be more careful when making changes and to implement additional safeguards to prevent accidental deletions.

You: Okay, I appreciate your initiative in addressing the issue. However, I want to make it clear that this kind of mistake is not acceptable and could have had serious consequences for the company. Going forward, I expect you to be more diligent and careful when making changes to our systems.

John: I understand, and I apologize for the mistake. I will do everything I can to prevent it from happening again.

You: I appreciate your commitment to improving. As your manager, it’s my job to provide you with feedback and support your growth and development. Going forward, I will be monitoring your work more closely and providing more frequent feedback to help you improve.

John: Thank you. I appreciate your support and feedback. I will do my best to learn from this mistake and improve my performance.

A Security Breach

Situation: A software developer made a mistake that led to a vulnerability in the web application, which was discovered by hackers and resulted in the leak of sensitive company information.

You: Hi, Abhishek. Thank you for meeting with me today. I wanted to discuss the recent security breach that we experienced and get your perspective on what happened.

Abhishek: Of course, happy to discuss it.

You: My understanding is that there was a vulnerability in the web application that was exploited by hackers, leading to the leak of sensitive company information. Is that correct?

Abhishek: Yes, that’s correct. I made a mistake in the code that created the vulnerability.

You: I understand that mistakes happen, but this is a serious issue that has put the company at risk. Can you walk me through what you did to address the issue and prevent it from happening in the future?

Abhishek: I worked with the security team to patch the vulnerability and implement additional security measures to prevent similar issues in the future.

You: Okay, I appreciate your initiative in addressing the issue. However, I want to make it clear that this kind of mistake is not acceptable and could have had serious consequences for the company. Going forward, I expect you to be more diligent and careful when writing code for our systems.

Abhishek: I understand, and I apologize for the mistake. I will do everything I can to prevent it from happening again.

You: I appreciate your commitment to improving. However, I want to be clear that this mistake has put the company at risk and has damaged our reputation. As a result, I am placing you on probation for the next 90 days. During this time, I will be monitoring your work more closely and providing more frequent feedback to help you improve. If we experience another security breach during this time, it will be grounds for termination.

Abhishek: I understand, and I will do everything I can to regain your trust and prevent any future issues.

You: Good. I’m glad to hear that. As your manager, it’s my job to provide you with feedback and support your growth and development. Going forward, I will be working with you to ensure that our systems are secure and our customers’ data is protected.

Abhishek: Thank you. I appreciate your support and feedback. I will do my best to learn from this mistake and improve my performance.

Poor performance

Situation: A team member has been performing poorly for the past few months and you want to give her feedback.

You: Hi, Mary. Thanks for taking the time to talk with me today. I wanted to discuss your recent performance and get your perspective on what’s been going on.

Mary: Okay, sure.

You: My understanding is that your work has not been up to par for the past few months. Is that correct?

Mary: Yes, I’ve been struggling a bit lately.

You: Okay, can you tell me more about what’s been going on? Is there anything that’s been holding you back or causing you to underperform?

Mary: Well, I’ve been going through some personal stuff lately that’s been affecting me.

You: I understand that personal issues can be difficult to deal with, but as a member of this team, it’s important that you’re able to perform at a high level. Can you tell me more about what specifically has been going on?

Mary: It’s just some family stuff that’s been really stressful.

You: Okay, I appreciate your honesty. However, I want to be clear that your performance has not been meeting our expectations and it’s important that we work together to address the issue. Going forward, I expect you to be able to meet the standards that we’ve set for this team.

Mary: I understand, and I’m sorry for underperforming. I’ll do my best to improve.

You: Good. I’m glad to hear that. As your manager, it’s my job to provide you with feedback and support your growth and development. Here are some specific areas that I think you need to work on: Meeting deadlines, Communicating with team members and attention to detail.

Mary: Okay, I understand. I’ll work on those things.

You: Great. I have high expectations for this team and I know that you’re capable of meeting them. However, if we don’t see improvement in the next 30 days, we may need to consider other options.

Mary: I understand.

You: Okay, good. I’m glad we had this conversation. If you need any support or resources to help you improve, please let me know.

Mary: Thanks, I appreciate it.